How does one begin to look someone in the eyes and tell them of an indescribable darkness? About a nothingness that threatens sanity and the whispering lies that grow louder, which can only be held back by the Truth? How does someone start that conversation and NOT sound like a lunatic?
Where do you go to reach out when you have worked so hard at building walls to keep it in, when the 'right' answers come unbidden and the harder ones get stuck in your throat?
How do you explain the fingers of icy fear and worthlessness that seem to daily tighten their grip on your soul?
There are no words to describe it, this path, this dark abyss. And even if there were, I am not sure I could choke them out and risk hearing answers ("Maybe you aren't praying enough." or "Your faith just needs to be stronger." or "There's nothing wrong in your life so get over it already.") These are things I question and ask myself on a daily basis.
I fear speaking it out loud for what if that's all it takes for the darkness to completely engulf me? But how can I honour and glorify God when I have plastered a smile on my face in the hopes that the wall will not crumble in public? Am I allowing God to work when I am so busy trying to stop it? Have I truly surrendered to His (perfect!) will when I am trying desperately to ignore?
I struggle with knowing that God is in this yet feeling like He has checked out. I know He is there and my head will praise Him daily and I just pray that my feelings and emotions will catch up. For I do not have to feel it to know He is good and to know He deserves all my praise. So I will obey and worship from this darkness, knowing that He IS God and that is enough.
I will not knowingly walk away from my God, I cannot choose to turn my back on Who He is. I may struggle and question and the darkness may still be black as ink, but I will trust in Him for He is my Hope and without that, the darkness will win.
So I cling. Tightly.