February 16, 2012
Owen was at play-school and little N was sleeping, so Xanj and I?
And God is teaching me to stop deceiving myself when it comes to my motives and actions. That I need to stop shifting blame for my actions onto those around, that I need to look into my own heart and seek forgiveness for the sin that lies within, that creeps up in the moments where it is easy to give into self, to the lust of me and the excuses that follow along ("but I'm tired, the kids were up all night." "I've done it all this week and I am just done.")
For those are excuses that allow me to live my life for me, not in a reflection of Christ and His love for us.
I'm being convicted by the book of James. In a good way. A way that is drawing me closer to God, that is pulling me into a deeper relationship with Him.That is slowly causing me to surrender the life I want to live the life that He has for me.
February 08, 2012
Beams of light fall across a floor littered with toys, reflect off the table scattered with crackers and applesauce.
Evidence of the flu that has been making its way through our family since Saturday.
I am humbled by how God is working in my life. At the things He is doing, and at the way He is doing them.
I wish I had words to express the gratitude and joy that are settling deep, filling to over-flowing.
But this I do know;
It is all from Him and for Him.
God's ways, not only are the right, perfect, they are filled with His wisdom and dripping in His sovereignty.
It is easy, at times, when life is filled with sunshine and we are on the mountain top singing for joy, to give God credit for being sovereign, for being Holy, for His perfect gifts.
But I would rather walk with God in darkness than dance on the mountain alone.
For it has only been through this past year (or more) that God has settled within me the Truth of Who He Is.
Sure, I could tell you that God is always good, that He is in control and knows what He's doing -always. But there was a point in my life, not so long ago where I couldn't live it.
I would say it, over and over and over again because I knew in my head that it was right, but that knowledge never went anywhere.
It didn't penetrate the marrow of my heart, or fill the emptiness.
If I stopped and looked hard enough, it was because I wasn't fully sure I believed it.
So what changed?
My heart in God's hands.
Oh was it ever painful (still is when I fail to surrender something to Him that I know I need to), but the wonder of God in my life (!) I can't being to tell you of the changes He is bringing about. The peace that settles deep and the joy that is daily there.
He is ALL I will EVER need. He is my EVERYTHING.