Darkness, no matter which way I turn. It seems to creep closer, grow thicker. The voices grow braver and call louder. Trapped, longing to grab hold of light, but not knowing which way is up, which way is an illusion that will pull me deeper, farther into the nothingness. Maybe there is comfort in the nothingness, and maybe there would be if the voices were silent. But they are not and I can, sort of, mark my bearings by them.
At the same moment the voices call, the fear increases, hems me in and mock at me to reach past. Worthless, hollow, a waste of time, not good enough, selfish. Pain, this constant ache in my heart. If it would only stop, let up momentarily. I cry out to a silent God, waiting, searching for a glimmer of hope. Somewhere deep, and barricaded in, is what remains of the Truth I cling to for life.
Standing guard are the lies that sow seeds of deepest doubt and in the fog of emptiness, I cannot stand to fight. Feeling like a failure, I creep back and hope the He will rescue me.
I am always floored by the grace God pours into my life, the glimpses of hope and reminders that He cares enough to reach down and show me Who He is. Because even if this darkness never leaves, I will hold fast to my Lord, the Holy One who pours His mercy
and grace into my life. He caught me and held me.
He gives me the strength to get out of bed and do what I do when it is the last thing I want to do, when I would rather hide in bed with the covers drawn, ignore the world around me.
Today that mercy came in the form of a friend dropping by to visit. It was what I needed, though I couldn't have told you that at the time.
Thankful for her and for the way the conversation flowed.