There are moments in my life where I can look back and see the hand of God leading me, guiding me, nudging me in the direction I need to go. Gently, graciously, painfully, calling me to lay down more of my life for His, for His glory, for His hope and joy and love that flows so freely to those so undeserving. That flows so freely to ME.
Me who stumbles, trips, falls clings to the darkness because it offers a twisted comfort - a familiar that I am fearful to leave behind, even knowing that there is something so much better. That when I do step out, lay down and trust, that the joy and peace and learning that comes is worth every step of pain, of struggle, of fear and darkness to better know Him who calls me to Himself. Who works through broken pieces of a life offered to Him.
Do I choose to listen? Or will I cling, tightly, to the spot I am in. Fearful of the next step, of reaching for His hand, of trusting where He leads?
Sometimes, it is with fear that I trust. That I surrender to the the One who calls me out of darkness, out of myself. But just because I follow in fear and often-times hesitation, it is still in obedience. I am learning this. That sometimes, it is alright to obey simply because I know it is the right thing to do - even though my heart may not be in the right place. For when I do obey (even out of duty), I watch the miracle of God transforming my heart, so that I follow not just out of obedience but out of love, out of desire to see God glorified, to shine the flicker of a light for Him so those who know me will see where my Hope lies.
As 2010 comes to a close I find myself looking back and thankful to God for everything He has done for me, for my family, for my friends. There has been so many blessings. At the same time, this year, is not a year I would have chosen for myself. And, if I had been given a choice - in all honesty - it is not a road I would have walked and there were days (weeks, moments) where I did not follow graciously, where I went kicking and screaming and digging in my heels. Truthfully, there are still moments, where I forget. Forget to that my God is trustworthy, forget all the He has all ready done, forget that He knows my heart, my desires, my needs, my wants and the motives that those things stem from.
Would I change it? No! Has it been easy? Not usually Has it been worth it? Yes. Has God taken my tears and turned them into hope and joy? Yes - continually! God is using (and has used already) the trials of this past year and I may not ever (at least this side of heaven) understand why those things, why now, but I don't need to. For He is God and He is sovereign in all things.
This past year has awed me with the faithfulness of God. Even when I have knowingly turned, or ignored, He is faithful (for He cannot deny Himself) and I am humbled by that.
I struggle with just what to share through this medium of words, where there is no filter, where anyone can read. Do I speak in generalities and hope that my reliance on God comes through? That my strength in all of this, is not from me, but from my heavenly Father who loves me (and has always loved me)? Or do I fight past the fear and write specifics? Those who know me well know I am not one to share, to open up, to become vulnerable. Although this past year has taught me that there is joy and encouragement in vulnerability. The stepping past that lump of fear, tends to make the fear dissipate.
So I type words, hoping that God will use them to show Himself, to shine His light and glory through them. For I don't want it to be about me, but about Him who has called me.