Having been asked how I am doing spiritually has caused me to really stop and think because the short answer is that I am struggling, feeling far from God - like I have stepped into the Holy of Holy's and the veil is still in place.
It is difficult to put to words the specifics of the struggle.
Do I fear looking within and giving voice to what I might find?
Do I worry that His love is not strong enough or sure enough to encompass the darkness and questions that arise?
Do I struggle with the sameness of my prayers and the not having words to utter before Him?
Am I concerned that maybe He has grown tired of my groaning?
Do I wonder if He is enough?
The answer to all those questions is yes.
But through it all He is faithful and trustworthy. With grace and love enough for everything. Sometimes it is easy to miss God at work, to see that His is in the midst of the struggle with you. The days when the darkness recedes, leaving a numb nothingness in its place, are the days it is easy for me to see God's grace in the little things.
It is the darkest of days, that I have trouble trusting in God's love and sovereignty - but in reality, all I need to do it stop and remember that it was Him who gave me the strength to get out of bed in the morning, to make it through the day.
I feel like my faith is being tossed about, battered on the rocks of doubt and filled with the shifting sands of lies about God's character.