There are times however, that processing through the blog is too open for the thoughts that are reeling and I am left with no words to convey what is filling. It is then I resort to pictures, for I can find God easily through the lens of a camera: it stills my heart enough to sort out what is going on.
Those that know me well, know I have a tendency to build walls when I don't want to deal with something, when I don't want to look to deep in my heart to find the root of what is going on.
The past few weeks have been a lot of hiding and rebuilding of crumbling walls - walls where God has poked His finger through to touch my heart.
So here we go! Bear with me as I share a little of what God has been teaching me lately.
I was sitting in church one Sunday about 3 weeks ago and it was impossible for me to focus. I didn't want to be there, I didn't care about what was being said -which is unusual for me.
I got home and started asking God why I was hiding from Him (for I was and I knew I was....it's never a good idea for me to run from God when I know I am doing it!)
I wasn't truly trusting Him with the circumstances.
I don't know when that had changed. For I had been. With every fiber of my being, but somewhere along the way it went from something I was actively doing to something I would just say.
"Yes it's hard, but God has always been faithful and provided so I will continue to trust Him."
Because maybe, if I said it enough, it would become true.
I was convicted of hiding behind words because I didn't want to admit to anyone (myself included) that the way things looked was terrifying me, that I was afraid things would not be alright.
Fear and trust, in my life, cannot co-exist.
If there is fear, I can give lip service to God, but that is where it stops. It will not make it to the depths of my heart.
Trust means letting go of control. Of the need to see a solution, to plan the next step.
I like control (but that's a whole other post!).
Trust means letting go of the desire for things to work out my way, for me to know the end result n.o.w.
Trust means truly believing that God is for me, that regardless of where I've been or what I've done, that He cares for me.
Trust means understanding that there are bigger things at work then *just* the circumstances of my life, that it's not all about me and whether I am comfortable or not.
Because God uses everything to teach us, to change us, to allow us to become more and more like Christ in our lives. God uses all the broken places, all the struggles to work in our lives and shine His glory so that when others see us, they don't see us but the God of grace and love and mercy.
Trust means being willing to step back and let Troy lead. Even when I am unsure. (so much packed in that one little sentence. Working through submission and being a Godly wise. Learning some good stuff through it too!)
As I am learning to trust, to surrender, I find that there are other places I need to let God work. There are things other then trust and the releasing of fear that need to change.
Funny, how when I willingly offer up one area of my life how He touches every area. Causing me to long for more of Him, to be more like Jesus. To surrender every part of my life to a good God.
A God that walks to tough places with me. That provides me with the strength to take the next step, even when I can't see where the path may lead.