Oh the Irony....

I write a post on trusting and the very. next. day., I walk into the kitchen notice something on the table and my stomach drops and I am faced with a choice.

Do I let fear take over (again) or do I trust?

So I called a friend and asked for prayer, then curled up in a ball on the floor and cried. It was at about that time that I could hear God speaking to my heart, to pull myself together and worship Him.

The song that popped into my head instantly?

How Great Thou Art.
"Then sings my soul, my saviour God to thee. How great thou art, how great thou art."

And I have been singing it for 2 days now. (although this evening there is a abc song stuck in my head from the kids cd in the car...but I digress)

Because its truth.

And "When darkness veils His lovely face I rest on His unchanging grace". Yet another hymn that has been lifted up. Because those words speak to my soul right now. That no matter where I am, His grace is unchanging and He knows what is happening and what He is doing.

So trust....

It is a choice daily by the minute. And when I want to fall back to fear, to anger, I will instead lift songs of praise and fill my heart with Truth.

For when my soul is spilling over in truth, the trust comes, filling me with the softness of peace and rest.

When Trust Blooms

Sometimes I blog to process. My mind spins to quick for pen to keep up and there is something soothing about the clacking of a keyboard.

There are times however, that processing through the blog is too open for the thoughts that are reeling and I am left with no words to convey what is filling. It is then I resort to pictures, for I can find God easily through the lens of a camera: it stills my heart enough to sort out what is going on.

Those that know me well, know I have a tendency  to build walls when I don't want to deal with something,  when I don't want to look to deep in my heart to find the root of what is going on.

The past few weeks have been a lot of hiding and rebuilding of crumbling walls - walls where God has poked His finger through to touch my heart.

So here we go! Bear with me as I share a little of what God has been teaching me lately.

Trust

I was sitting in church one Sunday about 3 weeks ago and it was impossible for me to focus. I didn't want to be there, I didn't care about what was being said -which is unusual for me.


I got home and started asking God why I was hiding from Him (for I was and I knew I was....it's never a good idea for me to run from God when I know I am doing it!)

The answer?


I wasn't truly trusting Him with the circumstances.

 I don't know when that had changed. For I had been. With every fiber of my being, but somewhere along the way it went from something I was actively doing to something I would just say.

"Yes it's hard, but God has always been faithful and provided so I will continue to trust Him."

Because maybe, if I said it enough, it would become true.

I was convicted of hiding behind words because I didn't want to admit to anyone (myself included) that the way things looked was terrifying me, that I was afraid things would not be alright.

Fear

Fear and trust, in my life, cannot co-exist. 

If there is fear, I can give lip service to God, but that is where it stops. It will not make it to the depths of my heart.

Trust means letting go of control. Of the need to see a solution, to plan the next step.

I like control (but that's a whole other post!).

Trust means letting go of the desire for things to work out my way, for me to know the end result n.o.w.

Trust means truly believing that God is for me, that regardless of where I've been or what I've done, that He cares for me.

Trust means understanding that there are bigger things at work then *just* the circumstances of my life, that it's not all about me and whether I am comfortable or not.

Because God uses everything to teach us, to change us, to allow us to become more and more like Christ in our lives. God uses all the broken places, all the struggles to work in our lives and shine His glory so that when others see us, they don't see us but the God of grace and love and mercy.

Trust means being willing to step back and let Troy lead. Even when I am unsure. (so much packed in that one little sentence. Working through submission and being a Godly wise. Learning some good stuff through it too!)

 It's a lot to learn. Overwhelming at times. Discouraging at others.

As I am learning to trust, to surrender, I find that there are other places I need to let God work. There are things other then trust and the releasing of fear that need to change.

Funny, how when I willingly offer up one area of my life how He touches every area. Causing me to long for more of Him, to be more like Jesus. To surrender every part of my life to a good God.

A God that walks to tough places with me. That provides me with the strength to take the next step, even when I can't see where the path may lead.

  

Emptying to be Filled

I've been growing, learning, changing.  Stepping out of the comfortable, the known, and into something that doesn't come naturally, something that takes effort and intentionality. That reminds me just how weak I really am and how much I need His strength to carry me through each moment, each day.

It's challenging.

This past week has been so good and so hard. I realized mid week that it is the first time, in a very very long time where I was genuinely happy. There's been times of peace and joy and contentment, but underlying all that has always been a sadness or darkness. But this week, I could laugh and not be doing it just because it was the expected thing. I could smile from my heart and mean it. I could play and be silly with my kids and not have it feel like a chore, like I wasn't a good mom. 

This happy, looking at the circumstances, doesn't make sense. Things in life haven't changed drastically. There are still a ton of unknowns, hard places that do, on occasion, still rub the wrong way. But happy is there. Rooted deep and for once, it doesn't feel like it is fleeting. 

All I can do is praise my God and fall before Him in awe. Grateful does not even begin to describe it.

I love how God is working and thankful that He doesn't leave me where I am....even when I fight it.

Finding thanks to give in the hard parts. Finding thanks to give when joy is there, spilling forth. Everyday, every moment is a gift, a blessing, a glimpse of God in my life.

Owen letting me leave him *happy* at pre-school

quiet

time spent with God -alone

surprises in the mail

learning to step out of myself to become more of the woman God has created me to be

honesty and vulnerability - even through the tears that fall

fear crumbling

rain pitter-patting in the leaves

McDonalds for dinner

babysitting money

happiness from deep within

new life and the hope it brings

colours of fall vivid on overcast days

trees that become swings

gusting wind

dancing leaves

the chill in the air

smell of homemade applesauce cooking on the stove

Love These Guys

So incredibly thankful for them! What a privilege to be give the joy of mothering them. I only pray that I may do it well and that God will take up where my short-comings fall.

Growing Up

Owen started a pre-school program on Wednesday. He was super excited to go and after his initial, 'I'm going to hide behind mommy's hands and be shy' he happily gave me B.I.G hugs and tiny hugs and went off to play.

 When it was time to pick him up, he was all smiles and excitement. He jabbered all the way home about the things he had done.

I missed my boy Wednesday morning, but that's a good thing.
It was a nice change for me and I am looking forward to the Monday and Wednesday mornings.
This is good for both of us.

In the Woods

Colours of Fall

Today, is Thanksgiving. At least in Canada.

And there is so much to be thankful for. So, so much. Our family is blessed beyond measure and the things we have to give thanks for could fill pages and pages. . . .but I will spare you ;)

At the beginning of October, I started counting everyday thanks again. I had been doing it for a while and then stopped around May. But I felt that it was something I needed to start again. To continue doing. So what follows, is what I have to be thankful for -so far- in October.

 I am thankful for:

a second vehicle

pre-school 2 half days a week for Owen

not having to turn on the heat yet

sermons that speak to the heart

pumpkin spice lattes

for air that smells like fall  

 enough airmiles for a movie night out coupon (yay date night!)

Bible study with Troy

Enough to eat every day

friends who pray for you

family pictures in the fall

a tire that holds air till I make it home

kids imaginations

baby giggles and cuddles

summer temperatures in the middle of October

a sale on the B.I.G bags of flour

clothes drying on the line

hunting season

walks with *family* in the woods

leaves crunching underfoot

homemade pumpkin pies

2 Thanksgiving dinners

Conversations from the heart

Again, so much to be thankful for, even on the days where we wonder and question and worry. There is always something to be thankful for.

The best way to sum it all up for me?

I am thankful that God is the same. Yesterday, today and forever.