Life has been the same for the past few weeks. We play at home, hang out with friends and since the playschool at our church has had to be off site (due to renovations) I have even been taking the kids to that (Anthony is normally too old, but when they do things like swimming or farm trips or parks, I don't mind taking him along with the other two) Playschool went to Centennial park last Thursday, so we tagged along! When the sun was shining, it was beautiful out!
Apparently Owen likes his Timbits!!
Anthony and I have been sturggling again. There are days when I am sure it is more me than him, but I am at a loss as to what to do. He has just been defiant lately. It is so. incredibly. frustrating. But at the same time, it seems like he can switch it off instantly, like the other day he was being brutal but a friend came over to drop stuff off and he's bringing her the phone to use and offering her coffee and inviting her and her kids over for dinner because he knew that the dad was out of town. She leaves and it's right back to terrorizing the house.
I don't know what to do. I hate the fact that we are almost constanly at eachother. I'll talk to him about one thing and not even 30 seconds later I'm there talking to him about soemthing else. . . I'm at the point where I'm just wondering what's the point. . . .
I know what it is, I'm just struggling. . .and I KNOW that it's a heart issue and I can talk till I'm blue in the face and hand out all sorts of consequenses but it all boils down to allowing room for God to work, trying to point him to God, trying to remind him that that's why there is Jesus, and His sacrifice, because we CAN'T do it on our own, we need His help to do the things we know we should and stay away from the things that we know are wrong.
Sometimes I know it's because we haven't spent enough time with him, but sometimes I think I could spend 24/7 with him and it stil not be enough. I know he needs time, and good, quality, time. And honestly? There are days I struggle to give him what he needs because I just don't want to have anything to do with him (it sounds horrible when I type it out and it IS), but those are the days he needs it most, the days when we have been at it since he rolled out of bed at 6:50am.
Trying to stay focused on Him and His grace and strength, for I know I cannot do this without Him, I need His grace and mercy in my day so very much, for then I AM capable of passing it on to my kids.
I know too, that this thing with Anthony, whatever it is, is just a season. We've been here before (although never for this long or this challenging before). That I am in it because God is working through something, in MY life too.
1 comment:
Reading this made me almost cry...I could put my oldest daughter's name in there instead of Anthony's and I would feel the same way. Its like we are at odds ALL DAY LONG. This started at 3 1/2, lasted a few months, then a break, then again, and then a break, and now again...I think this time it might have to do with other issues but those issues weren't around the other times. I never knew how hard parenting could be. Sometimes, honestly...I feel like I don't even like her. I know its just that I don't like this difficulty but its scary to not want anything to do with her. And it feels very alone. Glad to know I'm not the only one.
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