Silence

The silence this morning is welcome, the emptiness of the house, the murmur of a clock, the sounds of deep breathing from the bedrooms, the chance to come before my God alone, without (much) time restraint.

It is precious to me.

I have needed this chance to let the emotions flow and the prayers to be lifted up.

I am thankful that in moments like this I can look back over the last few days (or weeks) and see the evidences of God's grace that I couldn't see while I was in it.

This weekend it has been that I was able to capture *life* and moments of joy with my camera.

I am so grateful that even in the middle of the darkest days I can pick up my camera and let God lead me to pictures of life.

 I love that God does that for me.

I long for a place to be real, to not have to hide what is going on. God carries me and loves me through the darkness, He is my constant.  

 Called to pray, to cry out, to worship. Those prayers are the same, continuously. Are You hearing me Lord?
I sit, longing for something more. Questioning what I share and how I do that while pointing to God.

I want to praise Him, fearful if I put voice to the turmoil that the carefully balanced faith will crumble and vanish and I will be left crying out to nothing.

That's not true though. God is holding me. I can fall under the weight, and His hands will lift me up, guide me and carry me when I have nothing left to give, when I don't want to take another step, God is there, coming along side me.

What are You doing Lord, why? What are You teaching me? How long must I wait for You to rescue me, to sustain me? Are You here, do You see me?

I want to be faithful, but I am so weak. I need God now, longing for Him to be real in the midst of this.