Keeping it Real

Sometimes Pinterest bothers me. I see all these really cool craft ideas or sewing projects or little things I would love to try around the house.

So I click on the link and am taken (usually) to a *Mom Blog*. 

Don't get me wrong. I think the stuff is adorable and wonderful (I clicked the link remember?) But then I start to feel a little inadequate. Like I some how don't measure up.

Which is silly and crazy. But it's how I feel so then I take a break from pinterest and blog land and focus on other things (like the things that are important to begin with!)

Tonight however, I was looking for a diaper cover pattern and a tie (which ended up turning into a bow tie but that's another story) so I had to go and find the blog that I had book marked that had it.

Once again, kids are smiling and happy, house is clean and organized and it doesn't appear that there are any mistakes in the sewing project.

SO..... incase there are others of you out there that get a little tired of seeing the *perfect* house when you go to check out a tutorial, here is what my house looked like when I sat down to sew when the kids were in bed (and I should mention that the boys where yelling at each other all the while...)

I ignored the (small) pile of laundry that needs to get put away

 I ignored the half finished teacher's gifts sitting on the counter (cuz why would I finish something prior to starting something else...case in point, that blue fabric in the corner is part of a sundress fro Xanj.....it's been there for almost a month. BUT it is still jeans weather here more often then not!)

 I didn't even bother putting the dinner dishes away, I just moved things around to make room for the ironing board. And yes, that is a vacuum in the kitchen. I had been vacuuming the living room floor so I could steam clean it.

 And there's the *sewing table*

Just a bit of Life

Today was GREAT! The kids and I had a wonderful afternoon.

After their various activities in the morning (dance and karate) we got groceries, had lunch and then we went to the pool. They are little fish and it is getting easier and easier to take them on my own. Their confidence and skills just keep improving. Last week Owen went off the diving board for the first time. This week all 3 were diving off the edge in the deep end. Anthony and Alexandra were practicing and, of course, Owen needed to try too. It was really funny to watch him try with is water wings on. I love the fact that our pool offers a discounted family pass for the 10 weeks your kids are enrolled in swimming lessons. We decided to get it this time since we opted not to re-enroll Anthony in Swimmer 4....he needs to gain some endurance before he can complete some of the requirements and we didn't want him to get discouraged. Hence the karate lessons (which he is LOVING) and the golf lessons (which will start at the end of June)

Tomorrow the kids are I are off to a movie after church. We have two for one coupons from cereal boxes so figured we should use them up before they expire and there is finally an movie playing that all 3 will enjoy! So another busy day tomorrow!

Troy had applied to teach summer classes at the college and there is a 2 year contract for a math teacher starting in Sept at the college that he is also applying for. It would be wonderful if he could get that..to know what he is doing for 2 years...that would be incredible. Yet, I know that God has a plan and the growing and trust that has been happening with the wondering and waiting and the stretching has been good.

I'm not gonna lie, there has definately been stress and struggles and moments of why? But over all, I can see Gods hand leading, guiding, providing. And it has been so. so. good.

So I trust that He knows the perfect place for Troy to be. Both over this summer and coming up in September.

Alexandra is dancing at the Folklore Festival next weekend. She is really looking forward to it.I am hoping to get some pictures....I have a new camera that is just sitting in the limbo that is customs right now and I am really really really hoping to have it by Friday so I can try it out at the festival!!

Yes....I bought a new, well new to me, camera :) Thanks to the babysitting I have been doing I have been browsing Ebay and won an auction for a Nikon d700 (!) Yup!! I have wanted one for a year and just couldn't justify spending the money for a new one. Thankful for the opportunity that came for me to buy this one!

"When words become unclear...."

I sit here watching the rain pour outside my window and I a thankful that it is rain and not snow! It is dark and dreary but that's OK.

I am finding life overwhelming lately. I walk past the kitchen and see the dishes piled high and want to cry, the laundry...well, I can wade through the piles in the laundry room and thankful that my children have so many clothes!

None of those jobs are hard, none of them take very much time and yet it overwhelms me. So I let it sit and it gets worse which only adds to the feeling!

But I got out last night after dinner. Just me and my camera and got some pictures of life just happening. It made me feel some what better.

I love the God has given me a joy in looking at life through the lens of a camera. It is so much easier for me to see beauty and joy and life when I look through a lens and I am grateful for that.

I can't believe that April is speeding by. I am starting to think of a birthday party idea for Owen. 4...WOW. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that my baby is turning 4 this year. He is changing and growing by the day and it is wonderful to be able to watch as he masters a new skill, or tries out his independence in some way.

God's grace abounds everyday and despite the overwhelming-ness, I know I am secure. I know I am loved. I know I am taken care of. For I know Who's I am.

March is Marching On

So it's a corny title....it's my blog and I'm allowed ;)

March was filled with a trip to Toronto and a 32nd birthday for me,

Numerous birthday parties for the kids to attend....most of which happened in the span of a single weekend!

March also consisted of March Break and a week home with the kiddos,

except, it wasn't really spent at home.

We went to Duluth for 2 nights to spend some time as a family.

 

 March was also filled with new bikes, early birthday presents for the boys from my mom and dad.

This is Owen's first two-wheeler - he loves it, can you tell?

 He has been riding it every day since we put it together on Friday!

March has also marked the beginning for spring here. And for that I am grateful.

Sun stays out later,

windows can be open

kids are begging to be outside all the time.

Spring always reminds me of God's gift of new  life. A life that is no longer my own. It reminds me of the hope I have in Him alone.

This spring, for the first time in a really long time, I am filled to overflowing with the wonder of Who God is. With the Hope that springs from finding rest in Him through every season, every trial, every joy.

When I know WHO He is, resting in Him is easier. When I remember that He is who He says He is (always) then that hope is a permanent fixture.

It is all from Him and for Him

Beams of light fall across a floor littered with toys, reflect off the table scattered with crackers and applesauce. 

Evidence of the flu that has been making its way through our family since Saturday.

I am humbled by how God is working in my life. At the things He is doing, and at the way He is doing them. 

I wish I had words to express the gratitude and joy that are settling deep, filling to over-flowing. 

But this I do know; 

It is all from Him and for Him. 

God's ways, not only are the right, perfect, they are filled with His wisdom and dripping in His sovereignty.

It is easy, at times, when life is filled with sunshine and we are on the mountain top singing for joy, to give God credit for being sovereign, for being Holy, for His perfect gifts.

But I would rather walk with God in darkness than dance on the mountain alone.

 For it has only been through this past year (or more) that God has settled within me the Truth of Who He Is.

 Sure, I could tell you that God is always good, that He is in control and knows what He's doing -always. But there was a point in my life, not so long ago where I couldn't live it.

I would say it, over and over and over again because I knew in my head that it was right, but that knowledge never went anywhere.

It didn't penetrate the marrow of my heart, or fill the emptiness.

If I stopped and looked hard enough, it was because I wasn't fully sure I believed it.

God's grace is abundant though and He has been working amazing things in my life. I can tell you now, without a doubt. That He is Good. That He is Sovereign. That His plans and timing are Perfect in every way.

So what changed?

My heart in God's hands.

God worked and I, sometimes kicking, screaming and throwing a little fit, allowed Him access to areas of my heart, my life, that I had been hiding from. That I had been protecting and building walls around.

Oh was it ever painful (still is when I fail to surrender something to Him that I know I need to), but the wonder of God in my life (!) I can't being to tell you of the changes He is bringing about. The peace that settles deep and the joy that is daily there.

He is ALL I will EVER need. He is my EVERYTHING.

Scattered

I'm grouchy today. Just blah and don't have the motivation to do anything. Not in the house, not with the kids.
Not anything.

I don't know what it is.

The dishes pile high on the counter, the kitchen table looks like it has been attacked by a craft monster, the floors are in desperate need of a cleaning, the bathrooms could stand a good scrub down, laundry needs to get put away and the list goes on....

Frankly? I.don't.care.

Except that I do. For I want to work at everything as if working for the Lord.
For this place, this home, these four walls and 3 kids, are my calling. It's where I am supposed to be. What I am supposed to be investing in and training them up and setting an example and this morning? Well, it's just not there.

Sometimes I feel very alone. I go through days where my only interaction is with my kids. And not that that is a bad thing, but there are days I long for more. Something different. A connection of some sort. Today is just one of those days. Where I wonder why I do what I do. If anyone notices.And I know that the One who truly matters. That He notices it all. But sometimes. . . and it is totally my insecurities talking here....I just want to know that I am needed, that I am doing OK, that ...yeah, I'll stop there.

God is all I need and I have been so grateful at the amazing ways He has been working in my life and showing me Himself. I spent a long time longing for an intimate closeness with Him and these past 3 weeks have been amazing, God-given, grace-filled days-moments-minutes of pure peace and joy in the midst of the crazy. And I am in awe of that.

It truly has been like God surrounded me in a bubble filled with Him. It's not a feeling I take for granted. As I look for Him in places, I have found it easier (sometimes) to be patient and gentle when speaking with my kids, God's provided me with the strength to work through their temper tantrums and fighting.

Last night we had out Bible study's Christmas potluck. One of the older guys started talking to me and we got on the topic of kids and kids in church and he made the comment that he really enjoys watching me with my 3 on a Sunday morning. How he turns and looks at his wife and they just smile. He said he likes that the fidget and talk and aren't sitting poker straight in the pews.

It did this momma's heart good to hear that. I know what the opinion from the pulpit is, that kids are kids and they are to be kids, but it is SO nice to hear from someone sitting behind our family in church say the same thing. Because it is a struggle of mine - how *still* and *good* to I try to get them to be and how much should I just let them be who they are? I worry about what people are thinking and how they are reacting to the not so quietness that is my kids on a Sunday morning (or the running and dancing in the aisle or the fit that results when I tell them something) I don't want to be a distraction to those worshipping around me, but at the same time, I don't want my kids to feel like they are not wanted in the service, that they are welcome only if they can sit like adults.

Wow, this post is all over the place.....

I got Photoshop Elements on Monday and I am loving it.....It is making my editing SO much easier. Things that I had to do in 10 steps before (because I was using a version from 1994!), I click and can do in one or two. Thankful for 60% off sales and early Christmas presents (my brother got us a new laptop...which means Elements actually works on our home computer now!)

Owen is 3 and 3 in this house at least is a hard age. He is testing every.single.boundary and limit there is and I am finding it very draining trying to stay consistent and gracious in my parenting. There's frustration that finds it's way through, most certainly and I can only pray that God will look at my heart and be gracious to me and Owen on the days I mess up more often then not.

Morning Dawns

I watch the sun rise this morning, a golden hue breaking through the darkness. The thick blanket of frost that covers the ground this morning will, by noon, be a memory. An after thought. A reminder of the winter that is soon upon us.

Dawn breaking is a reminder to me, this morning, that it is light that melts the ice, that brings forth hope in darkness. 

It's not so much different then the Light that melts the ice of my heart, that spills rays of hope in the dark places I hide. And I am thankful.

It has been far too long since I have come quiet before Him, opened Word and let it soak in. I can feel it, see the evidence of that neglect in the words that tumble out, in the thoughts that look for escape, in the frustration and impatience that bubble to the surface.

For from the overflow of our heart, our mouth speaks.

Grateful that I can turn, ran to Light and Hope and just be still.

Thankful for so much right now. Life is scattered and busy but really, it's no excuse to place the important to the side. For the closer I draw to His goodness, the more I am changed.

Do I hesitate for fear? Because as much as I long to change - to love like Him, to live like Him - stepping out is a little scary. It requires openness, a willingness to be real, to let others see inside to the places that i would rather hide. 

But if God can change me, work in my life, I know that there is no stopping what He can do in the lives of those around me. So what is holding me back from stepping out in trust? In faith? In the knowledge that my God is all I need to sustain me?

My list of grace, of thankfulness, of snippets of joy continues to grow longer. 

* that hunting season is, for my family, over for the year.

*meat filling the freezer bringing with it the knowledge that we will be well fed this season.

*clothes drying on the line strung in the basement and the smell of clean that fills the house as a result

*decisions that bring wonder and shock and awe all at the same time. that show me God hears.

*apple cider tea with caramel. 

*frost and the colour it turns in the sunlight

*the quiet of a morning

*the arms of my Father and His lavish care

*a theme in sermons and bible studies and convict and encourage at the same time (Change!)

*homemade apple pie

*orange rice krispie squares

It continues, flows, never stops. This giving of thanks.

When Trust Blooms

Sometimes I blog to process. My mind spins to quick for pen to keep up and there is something soothing about the clacking of a keyboard.

There are times however, that processing through the blog is too open for the thoughts that are reeling and I am left with no words to convey what is filling. It is then I resort to pictures, for I can find God easily through the lens of a camera: it stills my heart enough to sort out what is going on.

Those that know me well, know I have a tendency  to build walls when I don't want to deal with something,  when I don't want to look to deep in my heart to find the root of what is going on.

The past few weeks have been a lot of hiding and rebuilding of crumbling walls - walls where God has poked His finger through to touch my heart.

So here we go! Bear with me as I share a little of what God has been teaching me lately.

Trust

I was sitting in church one Sunday about 3 weeks ago and it was impossible for me to focus. I didn't want to be there, I didn't care about what was being said -which is unusual for me.


I got home and started asking God why I was hiding from Him (for I was and I knew I was....it's never a good idea for me to run from God when I know I am doing it!)

The answer?


I wasn't truly trusting Him with the circumstances.

 I don't know when that had changed. For I had been. With every fiber of my being, but somewhere along the way it went from something I was actively doing to something I would just say.

"Yes it's hard, but God has always been faithful and provided so I will continue to trust Him."

Because maybe, if I said it enough, it would become true.

I was convicted of hiding behind words because I didn't want to admit to anyone (myself included) that the way things looked was terrifying me, that I was afraid things would not be alright.

Fear

Fear and trust, in my life, cannot co-exist. 

If there is fear, I can give lip service to God, but that is where it stops. It will not make it to the depths of my heart.

Trust means letting go of control. Of the need to see a solution, to plan the next step.

I like control (but that's a whole other post!).

Trust means letting go of the desire for things to work out my way, for me to know the end result n.o.w.

Trust means truly believing that God is for me, that regardless of where I've been or what I've done, that He cares for me.

Trust means understanding that there are bigger things at work then *just* the circumstances of my life, that it's not all about me and whether I am comfortable or not.

Because God uses everything to teach us, to change us, to allow us to become more and more like Christ in our lives. God uses all the broken places, all the struggles to work in our lives and shine His glory so that when others see us, they don't see us but the God of grace and love and mercy.

Trust means being willing to step back and let Troy lead. Even when I am unsure. (so much packed in that one little sentence. Working through submission and being a Godly wise. Learning some good stuff through it too!)

 It's a lot to learn. Overwhelming at times. Discouraging at others.

As I am learning to trust, to surrender, I find that there are other places I need to let God work. There are things other then trust and the releasing of fear that need to change.

Funny, how when I willingly offer up one area of my life how He touches every area. Causing me to long for more of Him, to be more like Jesus. To surrender every part of my life to a good God.

A God that walks to tough places with me. That provides me with the strength to take the next step, even when I can't see where the path may lead.