Scattered

I'm grouchy today. Just blah and don't have the motivation to do anything. Not in the house, not with the kids.
Not anything.

I don't know what it is.

The dishes pile high on the counter, the kitchen table looks like it has been attacked by a craft monster, the floors are in desperate need of a cleaning, the bathrooms could stand a good scrub down, laundry needs to get put away and the list goes on....

Frankly? I.don't.care.

Except that I do. For I want to work at everything as if working for the Lord.
For this place, this home, these four walls and 3 kids, are my calling. It's where I am supposed to be. What I am supposed to be investing in and training them up and setting an example and this morning? Well, it's just not there.

Sometimes I feel very alone. I go through days where my only interaction is with my kids. And not that that is a bad thing, but there are days I long for more. Something different. A connection of some sort. Today is just one of those days. Where I wonder why I do what I do. If anyone notices.And I know that the One who truly matters. That He notices it all. But sometimes. . . and it is totally my insecurities talking here....I just want to know that I am needed, that I am doing OK, that ...yeah, I'll stop there.

God is all I need and I have been so grateful at the amazing ways He has been working in my life and showing me Himself. I spent a long time longing for an intimate closeness with Him and these past 3 weeks have been amazing, God-given, grace-filled days-moments-minutes of pure peace and joy in the midst of the crazy. And I am in awe of that.

It truly has been like God surrounded me in a bubble filled with Him. It's not a feeling I take for granted. As I look for Him in places, I have found it easier (sometimes) to be patient and gentle when speaking with my kids, God's provided me with the strength to work through their temper tantrums and fighting.

Last night we had out Bible study's Christmas potluck. One of the older guys started talking to me and we got on the topic of kids and kids in church and he made the comment that he really enjoys watching me with my 3 on a Sunday morning. How he turns and looks at his wife and they just smile. He said he likes that the fidget and talk and aren't sitting poker straight in the pews.

It did this momma's heart good to hear that. I know what the opinion from the pulpit is, that kids are kids and they are to be kids, but it is SO nice to hear from someone sitting behind our family in church say the same thing. Because it is a struggle of mine - how *still* and *good* to I try to get them to be and how much should I just let them be who they are? I worry about what people are thinking and how they are reacting to the not so quietness that is my kids on a Sunday morning (or the running and dancing in the aisle or the fit that results when I tell them something) I don't want to be a distraction to those worshipping around me, but at the same time, I don't want my kids to feel like they are not wanted in the service, that they are welcome only if they can sit like adults.

Wow, this post is all over the place.....

I got Photoshop Elements on Monday and I am loving it.....It is making my editing SO much easier. Things that I had to do in 10 steps before (because I was using a version from 1994!), I click and can do in one or two. Thankful for 60% off sales and early Christmas presents (my brother got us a new laptop...which means Elements actually works on our home computer now!)

Owen is 3 and 3 in this house at least is a hard age. He is testing every.single.boundary and limit there is and I am finding it very draining trying to stay consistent and gracious in my parenting. There's frustration that finds it's way through, most certainly and I can only pray that God will look at my heart and be gracious to me and Owen on the days I mess up more often then not.