We hurry through the day, marking tasks off lists that never end and as mothers, as women, we feel guilty for the time not spent with our kids, the missing out on the watching them grow and play. We feel guilty when we utter "just a minute" or "not now".
On the days we try to slow down, to stop, to enjoy their childhood, that list, that lifestyle of busy, floats through our head and makes us anxious, and we, in turn feel guilty for the fact that the dishes are piling, that the laundry isn't done, that there are crumbs on the floor and sticky toothpaste marks on the sink.
GUILT
What a nasty word.
Don't get me wrong, some guilt is appropriate and justified. I'm talking about the false mommy-guilt that many of us feel 100 times in the course of a day.
God has been teaching me that 'it's ok'.
There are seasons in every life where, at least for me, it is OK to turn the TV on all morning so I can sleep, because it means that I CAN spend the afternoon playing or baking or reading to my kids. Yes the laundry lays in mountains and the dishes pile ever higher but IT IS OK.
God is taking the guilt I used to feel and removing it. It is amazing how much freer I feel, how much more energy I have when I am not consumed by guilt for what I am, or am not, doing.
The depression, and the meds, both make me super tired and I have had to re-focus my priorities. On the days I do have energy and motivation, it is about my kids. About making memories and building relationships with them.
Truly the laundry will wait, the dishes will get done (eventually) but these kids, they grow and change in the blink of an eye and I don't want to come out of this season and realize that I have lost them, that they don't want to talk or play because I took the little time I did have when I felt normal, to clean.
As God has been releasing me of the guilt I find that I am loving my kids more because I am not grumpy at them for getting in the way of what I think needs to be done. That it really doesn't bother me that my house is not neat and tidy (I'm a clean freak....it used to stress me out completely if there were dishes or crumbs or unmade beds.....)
I am thankful.
I never expected this shift, this freeing of guilt, to come out of this seasons of my life, and I am so thankful. So filled with peace and contentment - things that the guilt normally sucks right out of my day.
Take your guilt to God my friends and lay it before Him. Ask Him to release you from the mommy-guilt that consumes our days and causes us to want to be all and do all.
He is faithful to those who strive to follow Him and He will work in your hearts and change your priorities.
February 27, 2011
February 25, 2011
10 Years....
I woke up to these this morning. . . Aren't they pretty?
Yesterday marked 10 years since our first date.
So, so much has happened in 10 years.
There's been:
marriage
new jobs
4 moves
3 kids
tears
laughter
arguments
struggles
joy
contentment
stress
a learning to lean even more on God
This past year has not been easy for us.
We have struggled with
jobs (or lack of),
finances,
emotions,
our relationship,
depression,
trusting God.
BUT....
By God's grace we are growing,
we are coming out on the other side
and we are stronger for it.
Troy has been incredible, he is learning to listen to the call of God on his life and I am watching how that is changing him.
I am thankful,
from the bottom of my heart.
As much as this past year had been a challenge, I wouldn't change it.
In fact, I would go as far as to say I would do it again if it meant learning and growing even more.
God is God and His ways are not even close to ours.
And for that, I am thankful.
We have learned to
slow down,
to lean on God (even when it makes no human sense)
to let others into our pain and struggle
to trust each other.
We are still growing, changing, learning and it is a life long process, but I am so grateful that God has brought us this far.
February 23, 2011
February 19, 2011
Lee Anthony
My great nephew (yikes....am I really that old!) was born 4 weeks ago weighing 4lbs 3oz. Lee spent 2 and a half weeks in the NICU because he was 8ish weeks early.
We got to meet him today.
We got to meet him today.
To cuddle him and love on him,
To smell that sweet baby smell,
and to marvel at the wonder and miracle that he is.
What a precious little boy.
Fearfully and wonderfully made.
Tiny, yet perfect.
And as a side note...Alexandra is in love...she adores that sweet baby boy and wanted to hold him all.the.time.
February 16, 2011
Opposites
Sorrow - Joy
Darkness - Light
Selfishness - Love
Polar opposites yet, would I be able to recognize one without the other?
Would I yearn for joy and strive to love if I did not know what it felt like for darkness to fall unexpected, to take hold, to consume and control, to engulf me?
Would I seek God with all I am if I did not know what it felt like to feel like He had withdrawn, forgotten me, grown tired of my struggles?
He has not - withdrawn, forgotten - but sometimes those feelings can be all-encompassing, drowning out the truth that longs to fill my soul with peace.
Darkness - Light
Selfishness - Love
Polar opposites yet, would I be able to recognize one without the other?
Would I yearn for joy and strive to love if I did not know what it felt like for darkness to fall unexpected, to take hold, to consume and control, to engulf me?
Would I seek God with all I am if I did not know what it felt like to feel like He had withdrawn, forgotten me, grown tired of my struggles?
He has not - withdrawn, forgotten - but sometimes those feelings can be all-encompassing, drowning out the truth that longs to fill my soul with peace.
February 15, 2011
Your Kid Spends too Much Time in Pyjamas When.....
My brother is getting married in about 3 weeks.
My kids, are in the wedding.
Let's hope that this:
is not the reaction on the day of....!
(Picture was taken because my brother and soon to be sister-in-law wanted to see the suits the boys are wearing, yup Owen was NOT happy I had to take off his jammies (at 3pm) to put the suit on)
February 14, 2011
February 13, 2011
Oh My...
She would be my child that finds the scissors....
3 weeks before she's a flower girl in my brother's wedding.....
I'm just going to let her go to school looking like that! There's not a lot I can do, at this point, to fix it.....
Some days she makes me want to pull my hair out!
February 12, 2011
Thoughts on Thankfulness
Thankfulness!?
Sometimes I feel like it is a setting on a washing machine - one that broke off somewhere along the way.
God commands, yes commands, me to be thankful in ALL circumstances.
Every.
Single.
One.
Will I?
Because it is a choice.
Will I give thanks for the darkness, for the struggle that comes from leaning on feelings instead of truth, for my kids - even when they have pushed every button and revealed sin in my life I would rather ignore?
Will I thank my God who has blessed me with everything, the good and the hardest of hard, or do I choose to grow bitter and resentful, making it about me and what I want?
Because it is a choice.
I sometimes forget that if I am not finding joy in the giving of thanks, I am - by default- letting bitterness take hold and telling God that I do not really trust Him with everything.
Oh I pray that gratitude will take root in my heart. That I will truthfully be able to be thankful for ALL things and IN all things.
Because I want God more than I want anything else and if that means trusting Him and learning to be thankful then I want that.
I want to be thankful when it doesn't make sense to be thankful so that I can tell of the reason for my Hope.
Sometimes I feel like it is a setting on a washing machine - one that broke off somewhere along the way.
God commands, yes commands, me to be thankful in ALL circumstances.
Every.
Single.
One.
Will I?
Because it is a choice.
Will I give thanks for the darkness, for the struggle that comes from leaning on feelings instead of truth, for my kids - even when they have pushed every button and revealed sin in my life I would rather ignore?
Will I thank my God who has blessed me with everything, the good and the hardest of hard, or do I choose to grow bitter and resentful, making it about me and what I want?
Because it is a choice.
I sometimes forget that if I am not finding joy in the giving of thanks, I am - by default- letting bitterness take hold and telling God that I do not really trust Him with everything.
Oh I pray that gratitude will take root in my heart. That I will truthfully be able to be thankful for ALL things and IN all things.
Because I want God more than I want anything else and if that means trusting Him and learning to be thankful then I want that.
I want to be thankful when it doesn't make sense to be thankful so that I can tell of the reason for my Hope.
February 11, 2011
Seeds in His Hand
It's one of those mornings -
A morning where I see my need for God and His strength before my feet hit the floor at the side of the bed - even before my eyes are fully open.
The little kid voices in the bathroom and screams and whines that the giggles quickly turn to remind me that without a Saviour, I too would crumple in a ball on the floor in a fit. That there is nothing good in this life of mine without Him.
God plants seeds of joy in the deepest parts of our heart for the days when I just can't fight the darkness anymore. The seeds are there, waiting, reminding me that He loves me, cares for me, carries me through.
It brings a budding of joy, that small reminder that I am never truly alone, that these roads I walk, the paths I take, there is always ALWAYS good along it. For I am in His hands and even when I do not have the strength to cling to Him, He will never leave me, He IS my strength and He is enough.
I try to teach my kids that Jesus is the most important thing in life. That the rest of it doesn't matter, that there is nothing without Him, without the Saviour, without His love and care and mercy and forgiveness.
Days spin into days and I realize too that without Him, I cannot teach my kids anything - for on my own I am helpless, weak.
Do my actions and words portray my desperate need and love for my God?
Do they teach my kids to look up even when their world seems to be falling apart?
to be crumbling?
Do my words and actions point to the Creator, to the Lover of my soul in the midst of days where chaos reigns and darkness spills?
I pray that they do, but I know that there are days when they don't and all I can do is lift my kids, my life, up to Him who holds us tight. Give our lives over to Him in complete trust that He is the author and perfecter of life and it is in His will and timing that He saves, that He teaches, that He changes hearts.
A morning where I see my need for God and His strength before my feet hit the floor at the side of the bed - even before my eyes are fully open.
The little kid voices in the bathroom and screams and whines that the giggles quickly turn to remind me that without a Saviour, I too would crumple in a ball on the floor in a fit. That there is nothing good in this life of mine without Him.
God plants seeds of joy in the deepest parts of our heart for the days when I just can't fight the darkness anymore. The seeds are there, waiting, reminding me that He loves me, cares for me, carries me through.
It brings a budding of joy, that small reminder that I am never truly alone, that these roads I walk, the paths I take, there is always ALWAYS good along it. For I am in His hands and even when I do not have the strength to cling to Him, He will never leave me, He IS my strength and He is enough.
I try to teach my kids that Jesus is the most important thing in life. That the rest of it doesn't matter, that there is nothing without Him, without the Saviour, without His love and care and mercy and forgiveness.
Days spin into days and I realize too that without Him, I cannot teach my kids anything - for on my own I am helpless, weak.
Do my actions and words portray my desperate need and love for my God?
Do they teach my kids to look up even when their world seems to be falling apart?
to be crumbling?
Do my words and actions point to the Creator, to the Lover of my soul in the midst of days where chaos reigns and darkness spills?
I pray that they do, but I know that there are days when they don't and all I can do is lift my kids, my life, up to Him who holds us tight. Give our lives over to Him in complete trust that He is the author and perfecter of life and it is in His will and timing that He saves, that He teaches, that He changes hearts.
February 10, 2011
Patience and Joy
"We can draw no deadlines for God. He hastens or delays as He sees fit, and His timing is always loving to His children.
Oh that we might learn to be patient in the hour of darkness.
I don't mean that we make peace with darkness, we fight for joy, but we fight as those who are saved by Grace and held by Christ."
Oh that we might learn to be patient in the hour of darkness.
I don't mean that we make peace with darkness, we fight for joy, but we fight as those who are saved by Grace and held by Christ."
John Piper When the Darkness Will Not Lift
Exhaustion takes over and I find that in a day, a week, a two week span, that I am sleeping more than I am awake.
I function, because I have 3 little ones clamouring, calling, needing (food or toys or cuddles). I would rather not - but that's not a choice, it really isn't. These little lives have been gifted to me, to Troy, and they are gifts to raise, to train up in they way they should go, and to leave them to their own devices, even over the course of a short season - is not a choice, at least not for me.
So I lean on God.
I trust Him even when I don't understand what He is doing. I let Him carry me through the day and , in the process, do the bare minimum (which lately, has consisted of t.v, popcorn and apple slices all morning while mommy sleeps on the couch, lunch, nap-time and then an attempt to do something by late afternoon be it a board game or painting or stories)
I am thankful this is just a season, a journey that will, one day, have an ending point.
It is by God's graciousness and strength that I am sustained on this path and I am thankful. Thankful too for what I am learning,
Is there frustration? Most definitely!
Are there days when I wish it wasn't me? Um...yeah!
Do I want it to end, to stop, to get on with *normal* life? Yes
But will I trust that this is good? I will because God is good.
I function, because I have 3 little ones clamouring, calling, needing (food or toys or cuddles). I would rather not - but that's not a choice, it really isn't. These little lives have been gifted to me, to Troy, and they are gifts to raise, to train up in they way they should go, and to leave them to their own devices, even over the course of a short season - is not a choice, at least not for me.
So I lean on God.
I trust Him even when I don't understand what He is doing. I let Him carry me through the day and , in the process, do the bare minimum (which lately, has consisted of t.v, popcorn and apple slices all morning while mommy sleeps on the couch, lunch, nap-time and then an attempt to do something by late afternoon be it a board game or painting or stories)
I am thankful this is just a season, a journey that will, one day, have an ending point.
It is by God's graciousness and strength that I am sustained on this path and I am thankful. Thankful too for what I am learning,
Is there frustration? Most definitely!
Are there days when I wish it wasn't me? Um...yeah!
Do I want it to end, to stop, to get on with *normal* life? Yes
But will I trust that this is good? I will because God is good.
February 08, 2011
Thankful
For....
friends with cars
crockpots
icing (on cupcakes but not necessarily - straight out of the jar is good too)
telephones
bathtubs (and the fact they occupy my kids for a really loooooooong time)
sunshine (even when it's freezing out)
coffee (and Starbucks gift cards)
Godly women who care deeply
friends who love you right where you are at
little kid, throw-back the head, belly laughs (they are infectious)
February 06, 2011
Fun in the Snow
Yesterday after dance, we took the kids to Kingfisher Outdoor Ed Center. They were having an open house.
Thankfully it was a really warm day, because as you can see by the picture.....we forgot the kids jackets at home!! (opps!)
Yup, it was fun! A great way to spend a Saturday afternoon in February!
Thankfully it was a really warm day, because as you can see by the picture.....we forgot the kids jackets at home!! (opps!)
We even met up with friends.
Roasting hotdogs
(and trying to warm up, thankfully they had some buildings open with animal furs and bones and microscopes for the kids to look through!)
February 05, 2011
Light in a World of Dark
Seeking light in a world of dark, joy amidst hopelessness.
It's not meant to be easy, free from pain. For if it were, would I cling to Him? Would I be willing to see evidence of God in a life surrounded by easy?
Then the darkness preys on insecurities rooted deep, my heart recoils and spirit cringes, whimpering for a lifeline of light to lead me through.
For in my strength alone I would fail!
Oh that God would use my weakness for His glory.
It's not so much that I wish the darkness would disappear completely (not gonna lie, that would be nice!), it's that I want to learn how to live through it so it no longer controls my life, I long to find joy in the midst of it, to trust my Saviour completely regardless of where I am at, what I am feeling.
I want Christ's Light to shine from the midst of the deepest, darkest days and bring hope to those around me.
I want to live what I believe even when I stumble, fall and need others to remind me of that belief.
And I want all that because Christ is enough - more than enough - for the deepest struggles, darkest days and wounded hearts of those that bow before Him. I want others to know that He is enough for them, for their pasts, for their secrets, for their wounds rooted deep.
Because if God, in His mercy, can work in and through me He can rescue and change the hearts of anyone.
It's not meant to be easy, free from pain. For if it were, would I cling to Him? Would I be willing to see evidence of God in a life surrounded by easy?
Then the darkness preys on insecurities rooted deep, my heart recoils and spirit cringes, whimpering for a lifeline of light to lead me through.
For in my strength alone I would fail!
Oh that God would use my weakness for His glory.
It's not so much that I wish the darkness would disappear completely (not gonna lie, that would be nice!), it's that I want to learn how to live through it so it no longer controls my life, I long to find joy in the midst of it, to trust my Saviour completely regardless of where I am at, what I am feeling.
I want Christ's Light to shine from the midst of the deepest, darkest days and bring hope to those around me.
I want to live what I believe even when I stumble, fall and need others to remind me of that belief.
And I want all that because Christ is enough - more than enough - for the deepest struggles, darkest days and wounded hearts of those that bow before Him. I want others to know that He is enough for them, for their pasts, for their secrets, for their wounds rooted deep.
Because if God, in His mercy, can work in and through me He can rescue and change the hearts of anyone.
February 04, 2011
Joy to Rise
Dawn breaks and darkness falls this morning.
Tears well, threaten to spill.
In thankfulness can I find seeds of joy?
Draw my eyes from dark to Light, it is even possible when the sun, obscured by clouds leaves a layer of frost, crisp dew on the grass and leaves which lay softly on the ground?
In a world in the depths of winter, I am looking for signs of spring -
hope to spring forth,
joy to rise.
Do I run, bury the feelings deep within or do I trust, stand and allow my God to carry me?
And is it really a choice?!
I tell myself God is in this - for it is Truth.
But in the midst of nothing the challenge is to trust, to believe what you know even when it feels hopeless.
For feelings lie. They twist and turn and take root but what is True is so much bigger than feelings, than darkness, than nothing - yet I struggle and doubt and fail to fully trust the One who holds me in His hands.
Tears well, threaten to spill.
In thankfulness can I find seeds of joy?
Draw my eyes from dark to Light, it is even possible when the sun, obscured by clouds leaves a layer of frost, crisp dew on the grass and leaves which lay softly on the ground?
In a world in the depths of winter, I am looking for signs of spring -
hope to spring forth,
joy to rise.
Do I run, bury the feelings deep within or do I trust, stand and allow my God to carry me?
And is it really a choice?!
I tell myself God is in this - for it is Truth.
But in the midst of nothing the challenge is to trust, to believe what you know even when it feels hopeless.
For feelings lie. They twist and turn and take root but what is True is so much bigger than feelings, than darkness, than nothing - yet I struggle and doubt and fail to fully trust the One who holds me in His hands.
February 03, 2011
When Questions Fill the Air
Having been asked how I am doing spiritually has caused me to really stop and think because the short answer is that I am struggling, feeling far from God - like I have stepped into the Holy of Holy's and the veil is still in place.
It is difficult to put to words the specifics of the struggle.
Do I fear looking within and giving voice to what I might find?
Do I worry that His love is not strong enough or sure enough to encompass the darkness and questions that arise?
Do I struggle with the sameness of my prayers and the not having words to utter before Him?
Am I concerned that maybe He has grown tired of my groaning?
Do I wonder if He is enough?
The answer to all those questions is yes.
But through it all He is faithful and trustworthy. With grace and love enough for everything. Sometimes it is easy to miss God at work, to see that His is in the midst of the struggle with you. The days when the darkness recedes, leaving a numb nothingness in its place, are the days it is easy for me to see God's grace in the little things.
It is the darkest of days, that I have trouble trusting in God's love and sovereignty - but in reality, all I need to do it stop and remember that it was Him who gave me the strength to get out of bed in the morning, to make it through the day.
I feel like my faith is being tossed about, battered on the rocks of doubt and filled with the shifting sands of lies about God's character.
It is difficult to put to words the specifics of the struggle.
Do I fear looking within and giving voice to what I might find?
Do I worry that His love is not strong enough or sure enough to encompass the darkness and questions that arise?
Do I struggle with the sameness of my prayers and the not having words to utter before Him?
Am I concerned that maybe He has grown tired of my groaning?
Do I wonder if He is enough?
The answer to all those questions is yes.
But through it all He is faithful and trustworthy. With grace and love enough for everything. Sometimes it is easy to miss God at work, to see that His is in the midst of the struggle with you. The days when the darkness recedes, leaving a numb nothingness in its place, are the days it is easy for me to see God's grace in the little things.
It is the darkest of days, that I have trouble trusting in God's love and sovereignty - but in reality, all I need to do it stop and remember that it was Him who gave me the strength to get out of bed in the morning, to make it through the day.
I feel like my faith is being tossed about, battered on the rocks of doubt and filled with the shifting sands of lies about God's character.
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